FUCK THE CROWN
A PAGE DEDICATED TO A PRETZEL'S FEELINGS
THE ROYAL FAMILY SUCKS, I THINK - I DON'T KNOW THEM PERSONALLY
DO KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS?
PEOPLE WHO HATE PRETZELS! (THEY LOOK LIKE THAT - A WOODEN CREATURE WHO HAS NEVER CRIED)
YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE
I AM THE BIG PRETZEL AND MY PARENTS ARE RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME!
Daddy Pretz and Mommy Pretz!
My dad is a freshwater pretzel and my mom is a canned pretzel. She is smaller because she was born in a factory. My Dad and I were both born in a baker's kitchen. This means that we are very wholesome and very good. We can be eaten hot - but Mom, not so much. We still love Mom even though she is not as good as us. We love Mom in different ways, usually when we are very hungry and dinner is not ready.
Me and Dad are a choice and Mom is something you eat because you are hungry - like a pickle! (MY COUSIN!)
MY COUSIN THE PICKLE
As you can see, my cousin (the pickle) has shaved off its entire body in order to make some money. It has jarred itself and it has brought shame against the family. Relish should be free.
PICKLE'S BROTHERS!
There is not a soul in my family who hates the triplets! When they were born my parents were over the moon! (My Aunt and Uncle {the boiling water} sadly did not survive the birth.) This is my favorite picture of the three of them!
PICKLE'S SISTER!
Before the triplets killed their parents they made sure to have my cousin Bratwurst! Bratwurst is one of my very best friends. She hates the triplets just like I do.
THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND
She is a waffle and she knows exactly how I feel everyday. It's so great that we are made from the same things. We get along so well because we understand the struggle of homemade vs. factory made ( Her dad is an eggo).
MY ENEMY
Salt. Honestly it just hurts so much when they sprinkle her on me. To be honest this is the reason I made this page. I am scared and alone when people sprinkle big salts on me. I constantly cry out for my parents when it happens.
MY BESTFRIEND
It is Hotdog number two (aka the second hotdog of the cousins) That hotdog is the only hotdog who ever asks about my day and the only one who has ever gone into the boiling water as a dare. I love hotdog number two! Also, hotdog number two is very fashionable!
MY SECOND BESTFRIEND
It is hotdog number one! Hotdog number one wears it's toppings on its side and that is what I like best about hotdog number one. Even though hotdog number one is ugly, hotdog number one still shines!
MY THIRD BESTFRIEND
It of course is the Bratwurst! Here is a great picture of the Bratwurst! VERY FASHIONABLE!
MY FRENEMY
Hotdog number three. As you can see, hotdog number three is the worst of the triplets and really tries to outshine me every day of the year. Hotdog number three has A LOT to answer to regarding our childhood. Hotdog number three, i love you but also I wish you were never boiled.
THINGS I LIKE
My good friend the mustard. As you can see here the mustard is looking exceptionally fashionable. The mustard looks like a seed here. The mustard feels very close to Jesus Christ here. I love the mustard.
THINGS I LIKE MORE
My other good friend! The yellow mustard! Yellow mustard is always on my side, no matter what. Yellow knows all about my aunt and uncle, and Yellow never does that thing like: "hey are you okay pretz?". Yellow is the best thing I have ever met.
THINGS I DISLIKE
Ketchup. As you can see here, the tomato is scared. That is because he is looking at his mother and his father - now just a paste. I love the tomato but I hate ketchup.
THINGS I DISLIKE MORE
It is diets! It is these two human beings deciding to eat apples only. I am still here. And i am here for you after the apple doesn't satisfy you. We are family.
THINGS I HATE TALKING ABOUT
My aunt and uncle tragically died as they were boiled in their own filth, their own water. They were water. We saw it coming... we knew that it was inevitable, but we never thought it would be them. I was just a twisted knot when it happened. I wasn't even baked yet. Water 1 and Water 2 were always my biggest supporters. They always said "come on in the water is HOT!" I was always afraid to jump in - but I have been thinking now, what's the worst that could happen? Should I be boiled too?
THINGS I WANT
For hotdog number three to be put in the deep dark depths of someone's second freezer, which I imagine is located in a basement. NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!